Farewell Maple Nut Goodies

There is a woman that I work with – correction - that I used to work with, that I nicked named Maple Nut Goodies. I called her this because she at about a bag of Brach’s MNG’s a day. The airspace around her desk even smelled like Maple Nut Goodies. It kind of made me sick sometimes, and other times it made me crave pancakes. She is very overweight. She had gastric bypass surgery a few years ago (mind you, she’s only 27 years old) but had gone back to her old eating habits (Maple Nut Goodies, chicken wings and Mountain Dew) and started to gain the weight back. MNG has had a hard life. He mom’s an alcoholic, she has a sister that may or may not be her father’s child, ect....She is pretty smart, but makes really dumb decisions. She also has a really good sense of humor, which I will miss. When I first started working here, she was always taking about her “husband” who was in jail. Eventually, he got out of jail and they moved in together. They are not actually married, of course, but I guess he’s her old man. I think he was in a gang and got caught robbing a house. She had his name tattooed on her shoulder, followed by the words “My Love, My Life”. She had a lot of other tattoo’s as well, but I tried not to look at them. I could always hear her talking to the woman in the cubicle next to mine about how her “husband” would go out and get drunk and not come home. Or she would tell stories of how she would lie to his parole officer when he was out drinking. Sometimes I could hear her talking on the phone to companies that she owed money to. She used to carry around this clear plastic make up case with a bunch of bottles of liquid in them. She didn’t make any effort to hide them and would leave them out on her desk (she was the front desk receptionist!). One day, when I was covering for her on her break, I read the label on one of the bottles. METHADONE. Ugh. My heart sank. She also smokes cigarettes. Needless to say, she was not in great physical condition. She couldn’t even wear real shoes. She used to buy her shoes a size or two too big because her feet were too fat to fit into the size she actually wore. She would also wear flip flops in the middle of winter, for this very reason. A few months ago, she was suspended for two weeks without pay. Word on the street is that she had been stealing. I have no idea what she was stealing, but had confessed it all and gone into drug treatment (hence, the methadone). I had planned on writing about her for some time, but I thought it might be inappropriate because I still worked with her. She quit yesterday. She walked in, handed in her resignation letter, packed up her stuff and left. Apparently she wanted to quit before she got fired. She is planning on working at Wal-Mart. And, to top it all off, she’s currently having fertility treatments so she and the drunk jailbird “husband” can have a baby.

Don't Cry For Me Argentina

It’s another super boring day at work today. What is it about life that makes some days so busy that you barely have time to pee (I’m talking to you Election Day) and on other days the time drags on like a coat caught in a car door. You know I’m bored when I start talking about the weather. Speaking of which, it looks very windy out right now. I keep seeing conflicting reports, some of which warn of snow, others say dry and windy all day. My co-worker (one of the ones that I like) just went for a walk. She had these strange things on that she referred to as “ear sweaters”. They are like these little kidney shaped caps, that are made out of the same fabric as a Mickey Mouse hats, that you hang on your ears and snap into place like an old fashioned coin purse. They did not look comfy, but she swears they are. Huh....

The only excitement that I can hope for today is that Lindsay Lohan went out and got drunk last night and did something stupid.

Is it lunch time yet?

Anyhoo- I’m premiering my new thrift store suspenders today. So far, so good. They required a little adjustment this morning, as they were set too small and kept snapping loose, but I think I have it right now. If I had a cell phone that takes pictures, I could show you how cute they are, but since I don’t, you’re just going to have to use your imagination. Can someone single-handedly bring a dormant item back into fashion? Will someone see my suspenders today and buy their own pair? Will that person in-turn inspire others? Oh, wait, I think someone in the Ann Taylor catalog that arrived at my house last month (unsolicited), was wearing suspenders. Never mind. I guess the trend has already come and gone. If I know about it, it’s already over. I am the grim reaper of fashion. Don’t cry for me Argentina.

Cheesy Pasta

Anyone else see the similarity?

I'd like to thank my dear friend, publisher of this blog: http://blogs.provost.org/vanderblog/ for this joke. It is just as funny today as it was in 8th grade.

Tuna Helper

Dear Madonna,

Your hair is the color of Tuna Helper Cheesy Pasta. You need a new hairdresser.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen