Compulsion

I work at a place that is frequently visited by the general public. There is a water feature on site with a beautiful glass sculpture in the center of it. Most everyone knows glass is fragile but for some reason, the fact that it it is part of a small body of water, makes people want to throw coins at or near it. People see small ponds of water and regardless of logic to the contrary, feel compelled to turn them from artistic backgrounds to wishing wells. Needless to say, the glass cracks has to be repaired and the ponds have to be dredged seasonally. But people persist. They are compelled to throw coins into water.

I have noticed another odd human compulsion lately as well, and it involves watching someone slowly die. It's not pleasant when someone is ill or old . They slide downhill, usually fairly slowly and we are forced to watched the people we one relied on and respected turn back into helpless beings who need to be approached like young children. This is certainly part of the cycle of life and the process is inherently wrought with emotion. But what I want to talk about is people's compulsion to look on the bright side when someone is dying. Why is it never ok to admit and discuss that someone is on their way out? Why do people feel compelled to pretend that things are going to work out just fine despite all evidence to the contrary?

"I visited your dad in the hospital today. He never woke up, but they has shaved his beard so he looked much better", said one email. "Your dad remembered my name today. I talked to him for a little while before he fell asleep, I was so pleased."  Of course we don't want people to die. I certainly don't want my father to die, but I'm not blind and I know he's dying- as each of you that visit him should. Don't pretend it doesn't smell horrible in his hospital room. Don't pretend you can't see the catheter bag, or the bag collecting is diarrhea. Don't pretend falling asleep in the middle of a conversation or him not being able to remember your name despite knowing him for 40 years is normal. Don't think for one moment that his having a 24/7 babysitter is a good sign. Wouldn't it be more productive and emotionally healthy for us all to admit what's going on? He's not coming over for Thanksgiving. He's not going to wake up and stroll the courtyard with you. Stop blowing sunshine up my ass. Stop making me tell you what's really going on. Come say your goodbyes. Grieve. But for everyone's sake, please stop throwing pennies into the ocean. Your wish is not going to come true and I really don't need to deal with your disappointment on top of my own.